Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Wrachel Rites: Dear Mom



Dear Mom,

Things are great here in Swissvale. I found a nice place to crash, and my new roommates are really good cooks, if a bit messy. I don't mind cleaning up after them, though. I try to stay quiet and out of the way as much as possible.

I love and miss you!

Yours,
Benjamin

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Dear Mom,

I know you're my Mom, so you're supposed to worry, but I assure you, I'm safe. I have no idea where you picked up all those horror stories about people like my roommates going on violent rampages and killing guys like me, but as far as I can tell, these two are definitely not the type. They know I keep a different schedule than they do, so they set out food for me every night. They even gave me a new nickname. You have nothing to be worried about.

Yours,
"Simon"

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Dear Mom,

Of course I remember what happened to Aunt Minnie, may she rest in peace. And with all due respect, I do have to point out that her situation was different than mine. Anyone would have been startled if they'd been caught by surprise by her sneaking around in the dark like that all the time. And her roommates didn't know she was there in the first place. Mine are well aware of me, and they even stay up late some nights to say hello. Despite myself, I'm beginning to like them.

Yours,
Benjamin / Simon


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Dear Mom,

Last night the craziest thing happened! I was out for my snack (it was a lemon cupcake--homemade!), and all of the sudden, it was like the room was closing in on me. I'm not entirely sure what happened--it was all so fast--but I kept hearing my roommates' voices. It was the weirdest thing, though: I couldn't see them anywhere! I came out of it pretty quickly, though, and before I had time to think about it, I was running back into my room. I don't know what that was all about. Maybe they put something in those cupcakes.

Yours,
Benjamin / Simon


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Dear Mom,

Yes, I have been eating my greens. I found a carnation the other day, it was so tasty! I have to admit, though, it is getting harder to eat well. I don't have time to go to the store, so I'm always left to just forage for whatever is around the apartment. I found some corn tortillas yesterday, which I just had to eat plain (my roommates didn't label it, so I figured it was fair game). I helped myself to some other stuff: bulgur, rice, some bread, granola bars, and even some chips. Hopefully my roommates won't mind . . .

Love,
Simon


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Dear Mom,

It turns out everyone has their limit. After I binged on their groceries, my roommates decided it was time for me to go. Don't worry--they were very kind about it all. I think they felt bad, the whole ride to my new place, they kept apologizing and saying how sorry they were, but that I'd just overstepped the terms of our contract. (And yes, Mom, you were right. Turns out the thing that happened to me before was some sort of trap, only the second time around it worked.)

I've been relocated to the country. It's very pretty here. It's green and lush, and there are lots of friends to be made out here, especially for a guy like me. In fact, I think I may even be able to start dating again. Maybe you'll have those grand-babies after all.

Love,
Your Simon

P.S. Here's a picture of me and the girl I was telling you about. Her name is Trina. Isn't she pretty? Wish me luck . . . !

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